Of Drought & Twitter

Many parts of the country have been experiencing drought like conditions for many years leading to farmer suicides.In this context, this is a completely fictional account of how our ‘beloved leaders’  and some celebrities would react to drought in their own inimitable style on one of the icons of the present day-twitter.The resemblance to the people quoted here is intentional.

1.Sonia Gandhi:It is for #drought #MNREGS is to help people dig ponds to store water.

2.Rahul Gandhi:I realize there is #drought but you must realize that ours is the only family that can fight #drought.

3.Manmohan Singh:It is to get water and remove #drought that #India needs #nuclearpower.

4.Sharad Pawar:There is no #drought.Why drink water when there are colas,diet drinks and fruit juices?

5.P Chidambaram:I want to create a national security agency to fight #drought and this team there is consensus.

6:Jairam Ramesh:The centre is giving so much money but the states are not using it properly and this is the cause of #drought.

7:Prakash Karat:The #drought is due to imperialistic conspiracy and is the symptom of the malaise under capitalism.

8.Kapil Sibal:There is #drought because most #Indians drink too much water while using #socialnetworks on the #internet.

9.Pratibha Patil:#drought? That is why I have abroad so many times, even with my grandchildren.

10.Naveen Patnaik: The #drought is due to the step-motherly attitude of the centre.The allies of #UPA are getting more water.

11.Prithviraj Chavan:What #drought? Come monsoon and you can swim on the roads of #Mumbai.

12.Vilasrao Deshmukh:I am going to give more land to builders and filmmakers for making their own water to remove #drought.

13.Akhilesh Yadav:There is #drought because the #elephants and parks of #Mayawati drank too much water.

14.Pranab Mukherji:I have addressed #drought problem in my budget speech.There is a need for supply side management.

15.Mamata Banerjee:There is no #drought,it is a Marxist conspiracy.There is so much water in the streets of #Kolkata

16.Manish Tewari:The #drought is all in the fertile imagination of a sterile mind.

17.Subramaniam Swamy:The #drought involves very powerful people and I have evidence to prove it.

18.Ram Jethmalani:I will put 10 questions everyday regarding #drought.

19.Abhishek Singhvi:#drought? Is any cd of this conversation is being made?

20.Nitish Kumar:The #drought is due to the misrule of #Lalu and #Rabri.Require another term to solve the problem.

21.Oomen Chandy:Don’t worry about #drought.There is plenty of toddy in #Kerala.

22.Narendra Modi:There is #drought everywhere except #Gujarat.Follow the teachings of Vivekananda and invite more industries to get water.

23.Kiran Kumar Reddy:There is no #drought in #Andhra due to the blessings of #SoniaGandhi.

24.YS Jagan Mohan Reddy:My father brought rains to #Andhra.With him gone, there is #drought.Make the #CM,will bring rain.

25.Sachin Tendulkar:#drought? Wait till I become 60 and score my 500^th 100.

26.Amitabh Bachchan:I can speak about #drought only if the right sponsor is found.Can my family take part?

27.Aamir Khan:I am a thinking actor and need more time to say about #drought and that is the truth.

28.Anil Ambani:My father wanted to give mobiles to all so that people would spend more time talking and not worry about #drought.

29.Mukesh Ambani:My group is now digging for oil and in future I shall dig for water to solve the problem of #drought.

30.Vijay Mallya: I cannot fly my planes and you worried about #drought?Will buy more liquor stocks to quench the thirst.

31.BJP: The #drought is due to the appeasement of the minorities.

32.Baba Ramdev: The #drought is due to our #MPs.Have yoga and costly herbals to reduce the need for water

33.Team Anna:The #drought is due to corruption.#Janlokpal is the only cure.

34.Jayalalitha: The #drought is due to the misrule of #DMK

35.Montek Ahluwalia:The #drought is due to the higher demand rising from declining poverty under the #UPA.

36.Dinesh Trivedi: I wanted to increase the railway fares to fight #drought but my party won’t listen.

37.Chiranjeevi:I once danced and brought rains in the film #Indra.Will do the same to end #drought and provide #socialjustice.

38.Suresh Kalmadi: I will bring #OlympicGames to #India and the swimming pools will take care of the water scarcity.

39.A Raja:There was no #drought under #Kalaignar.Besides, I get sufficient water in jail.

40.Kanimozhi:The problem of #drought is to be addressed once people forget my role in the #2G scam.

41.Nira Radia:No one has talked to me since the tapes were released.Will dial the right people to address #drought.

42.Ratan Tata:Will have to think about a #nano solution to the problem of #drought.I leave that to my successor.

43.Barkha Dutt:The buck does not stop with me over #drought.Will host a debate to get the solution.

44.Digvijaya Singh:#drought? It is all a conspiracy hatched by the Hindu terror groups near the Batla house.

45.Mayawati:Let me enjoy the cool confines of #RajyaSabha.The #drought can take care of itself.

46.RBI: will do the tweaking of the key interest rates to remove #drought.

47.Shah Rukh Khan:My next film is titled ‘Rain-on’.There are amazing special effects in water that will solve #drought.

48.Indra Nooyi: who cares about #drought when there is #Pepsi?Bring more #FDI to reduce #drought.

49.Lalu Yadav: I am going to #Pakistan to solve the problem of #drought by creating bhai-chara.

50.Rajnikanth:Ena #drought rascals? I shall look straight into the eyes of the sky and rain will pour.

51.Common Man-Aam Aadmi: is there anyone who will provide me some water in these times of #drought?

PORTRAIT OF THE TEACHER AS A BUSINESSMAN

Every year we college teachers are required to give a written undertaking to the effect that we are not giving any private tuition to our students. It is another matter that most who give such undertakings do merely consider it only as a piece of useless paper.It is also quite another matter that people who are engaged in other professions having no proper qualifications want to cash in on this situation.

Over the last 18 years, I have been witness to many of my colleagues who have no qualms in making money by providing their ‘valuable time and knowledge’ to the needy students ostensibly to help their pupils. So much so that a senior colleague who was not in the habit of taking classes while in service is showing keen interest in classes even after his superannuation.

There have been instances where the whole tuition exercise has become a business. In Economics,       costs( expenditure) are classified under two heads: fixed and variable.The costs that remain constant irrespective of the quantity of output are called fixed costs while the variable costs are those that are related directly to the quantity of output. When it comes to tuition at home, the fixed costs mostly relate to the use of electricity for the fan and the light.Even when no tuition is in progress, the use of electricity remains the same for the teacher and his family needs it. On the side of the variable side, the costs remain very less at almost zero, since most students are not even provided with chairs or tables.So in my humble opinion, the costs are as good as zero while the benefits in terms of the money paid by the students is great. Economic theory explains that the producer finds it profitable to produce as long as the marginal revenue (benefit) exceeds the marginal cost (expenditure). In this way, it is most profitable to give tuitions from the confines of the home.In terms of Opportunity cost also, they are on a sound wicket with them putting their time and effort to good use.The teachers very often outsource talent from outside their homes to ‘educate and discipline’ their own children.

The teachers often come up with ingenious plans to overcome competition. Cartels and alliances are formed to drive away rivals out of business. Very often, the cartels are shortlived but the rivalries provide a lifetime of bad blood. Discounts are offered for carte blanche packages. When things become hot, the teachers form tutorial centres with someone else being put in charge to run the operations. This is proxy capitalism.If both the husband and wife are teachers, then it is profitable in more ways than one.A few years ago, when the authorities wanted to take stern action against the offenders, the students had to go at odd hours, sometimes even before the sunrise. Some teachers forbid the use of shoes and cycles so as not to attract the attention of others.

It is the teachers of the Science subjects that command the most of the tuition market primarily owing to the practicals. It is common knowledge that students going to tuitions are often rewarded with good marks in the practical examinations.The teachers of Mathematics and English make the students quake in their shoes in the classrooms. The teachers make the subjects more difficult than what they are in reality. The English teachers make the students believe that knowledge of Grammar is essential to succeed in the examination for which tuition is the only alternative.

Whether it is the revised scales in line with the recommendations of the 6^th Pay Commission or the UGC, the tuitions still matter to these wise men. It is only money and the greed for it that drives the teachers to give tuitions although the givers give different and often ludicrous justifications. One former colleague of mine, a Lecturer of Mathematics pointed out that he was doing a service to the society by helping out the needy. On the other side, a Chemistry colleague wants teachers to give tuitions in order to have ‘a grip’ on the students.It is not uncommon to find students often at the receiving end of the teacher for not going to the house of the teacher.The Chemistry colleague of mine does not shy away from predicting the failure of students who are not obliging. I can cite two examples.One student who went all the way to qualify in the IIT entrance was called arrogant. The other student who is very well placed now was so much harassed that he went to the teacher. These people do not shy away from giving lengthy discourses on corruption and favouritism and that too in public spaces! Some even had the gall and temerity to ask others to send text messages in support of the movement led by Anna Hazare and company.It is all the more easy to get students when the college is granted autonomy where the ‘grip’ of the teacher is considerably stronger.

The society also in a way encourages this practice where teachers are more proactive in tuitions rather than in the classrooms.The quality of a teacher is often estimated on the basis of number of bicycles in front of his house.This is what I call a ‘cycle index’. Students are often chided by their parents for spending more time in the college for they learn more from the tuition teacher directly.

What makes the situation appalling is the fact that most of the teachers who are engaged in giving tuitions at home or go to some tutorial centres do not want their children to study in their institutions.Their children are sent to other colleges, in some cases to colleges outside the state.Wonder, if the teachers are not sure of their own abilities? This is one point that is missed by other parents and students.

Then there are the ‘professionals’ who are not engaged in the teaching profession but give tuitions either on a full time or a part time basis.Some of them have really made it big on the fiscal front and they get more respect in the streets in relation to a teacher who does not give tuitions. They make it a point to ensure that their students do not go to the college for the classes by scheduling their tuitions in parallel to the college timings. This leads to situations where the students even do not know the names of the teachers in the college. The college teacher is simply known by the subject.The tuition teacher is more respected for he has the ability to teach many a subject while the college teacher can claim knowledge of only one subject.